I stopped blogging because the volatility of the household made me afraid of unintended consequences. Now I'm less afraid. Things are less volatile. Anger has blown itself out for the moment.
I am now putting more of my energy, attention and time into caring than into any single other thing. I am happy with this path of love and integrity, and it isn't really a change in priorities for me. it is, however, a change in what my priorities mean in practice, and it starves time and energy from everything else. It is taking time for me to adjust to the implications of this for my relationship to myself, my family, my community and my career.
In my me-centered universe, I know that my changing ability to deliver for anyone other than K is really an Important Topic. People are losing sleep over my lack of delivery -- my lack of even showing up. Empires are crumbling. Right? Right?
Maybe not.
My sense of myself as indispensable needs some adjustment. I always tell people in professional settings that "everyone is indispensable, and yet no one is indispensable." And it applies to me, too.
Which leaves me with internal work to do. Those things that seem so important at work? Not that important, really. Not compared to what I'm doing for K. Someday, they might work their way up the importance food-chain again, but for now, I need to re-tune my internal monitor of self-worth, and that takes time.
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