Wise People Say

"You are going through a lot subconsciously that you don't realize you are going through," said a wise and experienced friend of mine, with whom I have shared many successful summits and cautious retreats. When I heard that, I nodded smugly and said to myself "sure, but I'll be mindful, and then I'll know what's going on inside."  Which is BS. Whatever I do manage to glimpse, there is always more that I don't see. I didn't see my own misdirected anger, and my own need for control, and how they drove (and are presumably still driving) my reactions to this shitty disease marathon.

I suppose the lesson is that I should always remain open to the possibility that my reactions are being driven by some obscure process, and remain committed to responding thoughtfully rather than reacting "righteously." Like so many lofty goals, this will be impossible to perfect.

Another wise one said "you can't push and you can't pull, you can only walk beside." No control, just presence. Cancer as an extended, fucked up exercise in compassion and mindfulness. For a closeted type A problem solver, this is a slice of hell. I have trouble listening to the emotion and disconnecting from the content. I hate shit that can't be fixed.

All of which is to say that I can now look back a little on the past year and the past four months, and gain a slight (very slight) degree of perspective. And if that helps me be some of what K needs, I'll take it.

Morning Confession

Confession: I don't always go  straight to work.  On days when I don't have a 9 o'clock meeting, I go to my local green-branded coffee shop, where The Barista knows what I want and gets it for me with a smile. I watch people passing through on their way to and from work or the gym. I do what I want to do, within the limits of a cafe table, my MacBook Air and a decent wifi connection. I set my own priorities for a moment, and push the clock into the background. I act like there's no pressure.

This morning, I am seriously pondering not going to work at all. In my LA fantasy, I just drive to the mountains and breathe for a few minutes. Maybe I drive up to the snow line and feel the sharp breeze. We'll see. Don't rule it out. Life is precious.

UPDATE
I love the mountains, and that's where I spent my afternoon. Funny how a few trees and some snow can make me smile.